Superstitions save more than just baseball games.

I am really sort of superstitious. If I allowed myself I could easily never step on a crack or wake up at 6:30 am again (9/11). ANNND Since I have enough cute little quirks I don't have a lot of extra time to freak out about weird and seemingly random shit and I need to really focus my crazies. Some things cannot be ignored though.

Many years ago I had the wooooorst stomach ache. I was totally convinced it was gas (sexy) or stress (because husband has me convinced that every ailment is stress related). It hurt so bad I could barely walk, let alone drive, and had to get a ride to work (oh, conservation!). I snapped at my boss (she deserved it). I couldn't eat or sleep for 2 days. And I was just generally miserable (along with everyone around me). I was IM'ing with a good friend about my aches and pains and somehow over IM we decided that I should go across the street from my office to Sav-On and get a snack and some Gas-X. After the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and pills didn't work I FINALLY called my doctor who told me to go straight to the emergency room. So I IM'd my friend again and asked her if she could take me to the ER at around 8 that night (apparently when my doctor says "immediately" I hear "In 5 hours") because Future-husband-to-be had a hockey game and we didn't think it would be worth it for him to miss it just because I had tummy ache. Turned out I had a benign tumor the size of 2 softballs. No shit. I TOTALLY blamed Sav-On. Every time I went into the Sav-On or drove past ANY Sav-On I blamed them for my tumor. Those Peanut Butter cups gave me a TUMOR! (I did not, however, stop eating peanut butter cups. It wasn't their fault, it was Sav-On's fault.)

And today I saw a tweet about the scammers at the Jiffy Lube on Pico and Cloverfield. Ugh. That Jiffy Lube. A couple years back I was pregnant for like 65 seconds and that Jiffy Lube was one of the last places we went while I was still pg. I completely and totally blame that Jiffy Lube for causing that miscarriage. Not because of fumes, or toxins or poor customer service. For absolutely no other reason than I went there and something bad happened right after. Stupid Jiffy Lube.

Actually. Now that I think of it. Jiffy Lube and Sav-On had to be in cahoots. Because of the tumor I got at Sav-On I lost one my ovaries. And even though the doctors' say that has absolutely nothing to do with fertility or reproduction I just refuse to believe that could be true and I know that my LAUSD health classes have taught me more than their med-school-ing, even though I didn't actually *pay attention* in school and especially in health class. Except when they talked about how snorting drugs will make your nose disappear - that shit totally scared me straight.

Moral of the story - don't go to drug stores and don't get your oil changed and you will live a long, healthy life with all of your ovaries. Even if you're a dude.

sdcc

San Diego Comic-Con 2009.
Let's get to it bitches. A quick review of SDCC09

1) This year the crowds were INSANE. You really need to feel love for your fellow man and your Action Figure collection to brave these crowds. And it is not just in the convention center and the 45 minute wait for an Iced Grande Soy Caramel Latte I am talking about, it's all over the Gas Lamp. Someone was saying they had to wait an hour for a Subway sandwich. SUBWAY! AN HOUR! Eat Fresh?! What?

2) There were some cool exclusives - I am sure I don't need to tell you that! You are a fan. A collector! You knew months ago about the Jason Voorhees Bust with removable mask, limited to 400 at the Con right? riiight? Oh you were coming here to start your collection. Got it.

3) The Sideshow Collectibles booth was amazing.

4) Panels - there were some really cool ones. The lines were suuuuper long. You have to really want to have your picture taken by Neil Gaiman. Hopefully you didn't even go to the Twilight panel without a 2 day supply of food and a sleeping bag.

5) there were people in crazy costumes! Hey look a Storm Trooper!

6) The free wi-fi was a nice touch! thank you convention center.

So there you have it. Another year down! See ya next year!

Full disclosure: I didn't actually go this year. It really is basically the same every year except that it gets a little more crowded and a lot douchier. My back is messed up right now so I just couldn't get my head around driving 2 uncomfortable hours in the car to walk around a bazillion square foot convention center through the CRAZY crowds and the "fans" ---

A text I got from a friend that pretty much sums up my feelings: "Dear people who think this is cool: Stop coming. There are too many of you and you're ruining it for me"

There are lots of people who actually WANT to come here for more than just to say that they went. When Newsweek is doing an article about how to "look like a real fan" you know it is out of control. And the people who make fun of those women, and men, in Wonder Women costumes and talk about all of the "freaks" should really just stay home. This is not for you. It's totally jumped the shark. No longer cool. See there. It's not cool - so why would you go? You can find the exclusives online. You can watch the panels on YouTube. You can watch coverage on G4. Leave the looking like "real fans" to the real fans. There are not enough hotel rooms to go around.

See you freaks next year!

Hush Hush. Keep it down now.

You know how people (and by people I mean therapists) suggest that if something is on your mind or if you have something to say to someone that you should write them a letter, you don't even have to send it - you can throw it away, but the point, I guess, is to just get it off your mind.

I totally just did that! My "people" would be so proud. But I did it on email. So that I can just delete it instead of throwing the piece of paper away, trying to cut down on waste, y'know. And I didn't input the person's name because I didn't want to accidentally hit "send" - here is the letter in case you need to use it in your office.


From: Me!
To: DoYouEver.StopTalking@work.com
Date: really, every day.
Subject: Have you heard that song Voices Carry?

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Best Regards.
Looking frantically for my earphones.

Even I can't believe this irritates me

Dear Diary,

I am distraught. I don't know what to do. See, at first when I moved to this neighborhood there was one other girl who had the same name as me. But she lives down the street in another neighborhood and when people talked about her they say her WHOLE name. So there was no mistaking who they were talking about. Then about a year ago we got ANOTHER one -- THREE! And she lives on my block. And she wears cute shoes. And then people started to assume that when they were saying my name they meant HER! BUT NO - it was me!! It took awhile for the neighborhood kids but eventually we all got it straight.

But now. I knew it was coming. The mailman came last week and asked if my name changed. *sadness* "no…" I sighed. And then today I met her. And she seems really nice. Would it be wrong of me to ask her to go by a different name? Like Ted? Oh but we already have a Ted in our neighborhood. Hmmm. Dirk… yeh, her name should be Dirk. I have to figure out a way to get her to volunteer to be called Dirk. Diary, help.

Signed,
Should I change my name to Fred?

It's easy!

Without trying too hard you could easily come up with twenty or thirty thousand things people can do to ruin your day. I have two basic things that everyone can do to improve the lives of their fellow humans. There are the really obvious ones like don't kill - which I'm just going to assume are a given and will ignore. The two things that every person should do if they care AT ALL about not being an asshole:

1) Don't smell. Leave the smelling to the homeless. They don't have a shower, or a home, or a job and are probably wishing for all of these things or are too crazy to know they should be. You? Take a shower. Like, not EVERYday, (I shower 6 days a week - the 7th day I get to be LAZY! It's how I treat myself -shut up- unless of course I did something to make me really sweaty, then I shower on the 7th day, but I am not happy about it.) - So - don't be smelly, this, by the way, includes wearing too much perfume, wearing clothes that smell like they were washed in a tobacco factory, etc…

2) If you are the first person person at a red light, or a turn signal, or in line at a store or restaurant and ESPECIALLY if you are in line at a coffee shop - PAY ATTENTION. I cannot emphasize this enough. As the first person in line you have a responsibility to everyone behind you to know when the light turns green, or the barista is ready for you. Do not make me miss the light because you were sending a text or putting on your makeup. Do NOT keep me from my coffee because you are daydreaming. Be conscious. Be aware of how you are affecting other people.

That's all. See how easy it is? Maybe some people just don't care - those people deserve to drive behind people going 10 miles under the speed limit, while that slow driver is texting their friends at every red light about the asshole tailgater (that's you, er, the person who doesn't care) behind them AND stand behind every smelly daydreamer at Starbucks. For eternity. That, by the way, would be my Hell. If there is a Hell I will surely be going there - I will spend eternity in a car without shocks driving behind someone applying perfume with their right hand, makeup with their left hand, texting with their toes and who just happens to be running the exact errands I am running while blasting scat. Because in Hell the only music that plays is Jazz.
And Michael Jackson.


(full disclosure: I TOTALLY text at red lights. BUT NOT WHEN I AM FIRST.)

Actually, I hardly have any time at all.

When people say "Someone has too much time on their hands." in that cutesy, snippy, voice all they are really saying is "Wow, I am totally judging that person for doing something that I cannot relate to and do not think is important." Like, right now. I actually have a ton of other things I could be, and you could say should be doing. But you know what. I want to write this. I choose to write this. I choose the way I prioritize my time. Me adult. We're all adults (I mean unless you're not - in which case you are totally not reading my blog, you're like at the mall or buying Sudafed or Oxycontin, or playing video games or having sex parties and you just happened to stumble onto my blog because you Googled Oxycontin Sex Party.) ANYWAY. My point is don't go making assumptions and judgments about how other people decide to allocate their time. My priorities are not your priorities. They are mine. And I do not have too much time. I have just enough time to jot this down as a matter of fact so suck it.

I am not your maid.

So, today we went to the Farmer's Market... after all - we are "those people" (more on that some other time) - and after buying grapefruit (3 for $2), cherries ($5 for a bucket - no sprays) and organic berries (asst of blue, black and rasp for $14 - cheaper than WF) I decided that I needed a third cup of coffee in an hour. Actually, I didn't even really "need" the coffee I just really love Common Grounds (mostly because it's not Starbucks, Peets or CoffeeBean) so I got my coffee and while I was giving it a splash of half & half I noticed a guy empty three packets of Sugar-in-the-Raw into his cup and then toss the empty paper packets on the table ONE INCH FROM THE TRASH BUCKET. I looked at him and looked at his trash and it's proximity to the trash bucket and said, to no one in particular, "really?" and put the trash in the bucket for him. A grown man should be able to put some trash in a trash receptacle and I should NOT have to clean up after him but I envisioned the paper packets blowing off the table and onto the ground and creating litter and someone else having to pick it up and why the fuck should someone else have to pick it up when I am standing right there next to the trash, and I didn't even have to bend over to pick it up, and put it in the trash bucket.

When I told Guy what happened he just said "Are you surprised?" and yeh, actually I was. I just don't know what the hell is wrong with people - so you don't know where the trash can is and it's that hard to, I don't know, glance around and try and find it? People - come on - take responsibilty for your actions - don't litter, don't be a douchebag, don't expect other people to do things for you. In case you forgot, you are human and you are not ANY better than anyone else... I am not better than douchey litterer fuckface just because I picked up his trash. We are all the same, let's leave the coffee condiment area nice and clean for the next coffee lover ok?