Superstitions save more than just baseball games.

I am really sort of superstitious. If I allowed myself I could easily never step on a crack or wake up at 6:30 am again (9/11). ANNND Since I have enough cute little quirks I don't have a lot of extra time to freak out about weird and seemingly random shit and I need to really focus my crazies. Some things cannot be ignored though.

Many years ago I had the wooooorst stomach ache. I was totally convinced it was gas (sexy) or stress (because husband has me convinced that every ailment is stress related). It hurt so bad I could barely walk, let alone drive, and had to get a ride to work (oh, conservation!). I snapped at my boss (she deserved it). I couldn't eat or sleep for 2 days. And I was just generally miserable (along with everyone around me). I was IM'ing with a good friend about my aches and pains and somehow over IM we decided that I should go across the street from my office to Sav-On and get a snack and some Gas-X. After the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and pills didn't work I FINALLY called my doctor who told me to go straight to the emergency room. So I IM'd my friend again and asked her if she could take me to the ER at around 8 that night (apparently when my doctor says "immediately" I hear "In 5 hours") because Future-husband-to-be had a hockey game and we didn't think it would be worth it for him to miss it just because I had tummy ache. Turned out I had a benign tumor the size of 2 softballs. No shit. I TOTALLY blamed Sav-On. Every time I went into the Sav-On or drove past ANY Sav-On I blamed them for my tumor. Those Peanut Butter cups gave me a TUMOR! (I did not, however, stop eating peanut butter cups. It wasn't their fault, it was Sav-On's fault.)

And today I saw a tweet about the scammers at the Jiffy Lube on Pico and Cloverfield. Ugh. That Jiffy Lube. A couple years back I was pregnant for like 65 seconds and that Jiffy Lube was one of the last places we went while I was still pg. I completely and totally blame that Jiffy Lube for causing that miscarriage. Not because of fumes, or toxins or poor customer service. For absolutely no other reason than I went there and something bad happened right after. Stupid Jiffy Lube.

Actually. Now that I think of it. Jiffy Lube and Sav-On had to be in cahoots. Because of the tumor I got at Sav-On I lost one my ovaries. And even though the doctors' say that has absolutely nothing to do with fertility or reproduction I just refuse to believe that could be true and I know that my LAUSD health classes have taught me more than their med-school-ing, even though I didn't actually *pay attention* in school and especially in health class. Except when they talked about how snorting drugs will make your nose disappear - that shit totally scared me straight.

Moral of the story - don't go to drug stores and don't get your oil changed and you will live a long, healthy life with all of your ovaries. Even if you're a dude.

2 comments:

idigress said...

Who is the crazy one? I just nodded in agreement while reading your entire post. Yep, I say. Sounds like it was the Jiffy Lube to me. :) I totally have these superstitions too. My husband loves me anyway, despite my insanity. Sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Terrible. Effing Jiffy Lube.

Liz said...

When I was pregnant I refused to wear red underwear (and for some reason I have, like 6 pairs--cotton, not sexy) because I was certain that my uterus would see the red underwear, think I was already bleeding and expel the baby. Made perfect sense. I still hesitate to wear them to this day.