It's easy!

Without trying too hard you could easily come up with twenty or thirty thousand things people can do to ruin your day. I have two basic things that everyone can do to improve the lives of their fellow humans. There are the really obvious ones like don't kill - which I'm just going to assume are a given and will ignore. The two things that every person should do if they care AT ALL about not being an asshole:

1) Don't smell. Leave the smelling to the homeless. They don't have a shower, or a home, or a job and are probably wishing for all of these things or are too crazy to know they should be. You? Take a shower. Like, not EVERYday, (I shower 6 days a week - the 7th day I get to be LAZY! It's how I treat myself -shut up- unless of course I did something to make me really sweaty, then I shower on the 7th day, but I am not happy about it.) - So - don't be smelly, this, by the way, includes wearing too much perfume, wearing clothes that smell like they were washed in a tobacco factory, etc…

2) If you are the first person person at a red light, or a turn signal, or in line at a store or restaurant and ESPECIALLY if you are in line at a coffee shop - PAY ATTENTION. I cannot emphasize this enough. As the first person in line you have a responsibility to everyone behind you to know when the light turns green, or the barista is ready for you. Do not make me miss the light because you were sending a text or putting on your makeup. Do NOT keep me from my coffee because you are daydreaming. Be conscious. Be aware of how you are affecting other people.

That's all. See how easy it is? Maybe some people just don't care - those people deserve to drive behind people going 10 miles under the speed limit, while that slow driver is texting their friends at every red light about the asshole tailgater (that's you, er, the person who doesn't care) behind them AND stand behind every smelly daydreamer at Starbucks. For eternity. That, by the way, would be my Hell. If there is a Hell I will surely be going there - I will spend eternity in a car without shocks driving behind someone applying perfume with their right hand, makeup with their left hand, texting with their toes and who just happens to be running the exact errands I am running while blasting scat. Because in Hell the only music that plays is Jazz.
And Michael Jackson.

(full disclosure: I TOTALLY text at red lights. BUT NOT WHEN I AM FIRST.)


awildermode said...

great tips, but assholes would not follow these rules. that is why they are assholes.

Liz said...

a. Dash only bathes every other day. But it's not his fault, it's because his parents are lazy pieces of shit. Will you still love him? On the days he doesn't shower he just smells like sunscreen from the day before, which is actually pretty nice. So, you know, don't ostracize. Him or his deadbeat parents.

2. I used to skip, like, two or three showers a week. It was pretty bad. But you know how they say when you have a kid you never get to shower? Opposite! It was my only escape. I showered my ass off for the first year! Now I absolutely must shower every day. So I'm not an asshole.

iii. Except for the fact that I write entire blog posts in your comments. I'm a blog squatter.

jengel said...

I know this isn't a message board (sorry Cindy, but at least you know I'm paying attention!), but Dash knows how to turn the bath on and off, so he really has no excuse.

me said...

oh! 3 comments!! I have never gotten 3 comments before.. I'm moving up in the world!

I THINK Dash is technically too young to be an asshole. And I don't think parents become assholes for having a smelly kid who doesn't shower until the kid is like 11. I mean we've never given our cats a bath and it's been like NINE YEARS! If I had a kid I would expect the cats to groom himher.

You guys can blogsquat alll day long...